Thursday, 9 May 2013
I want to be honest, there is a chamber in my heart that has been in darkness. When all my blood has been pumping freely, and my face has been turned toward the sun, there has always been a small part of myself I have kept under water. When the sea wind blows, my heart aches, then I wake up and carry on with the day.
You break bread (or cake as the case may be) with friends, and the conversation invariably turns there, to that place we can't avoid. We venture sable in hand to the land of men and relationships. To be single, however at peace you are with the state of being, is to be defined by a lack of significant other. Much like atheism invites a conversation around faith, we do not exist in a vacuum. The polarity exists by the other, you cannot help but talk about what you don't have, and what it is you want. We are always wanting in search of want is humanity.
So I am cocooned as I prepare my armour, and my spirit heals and my body improves and it gets to that point where I feel wonderful. In the meantime there is the incessant need to feel wanted, but I also reject comfort, I reject skin,I reject intimacy. I sleep around, and it is so cold and devoid of human experience I might as well be ordering pizza. This is not me, and as quickly as my head is dunked into murky depths it comes back up. There is no lightbulb moment where I find myself in a gutter and think I need to turn my life around. It is just something that grows very boring, very quickly.
So what then? I date a little, nothing sets my world alight. Yet I am drawn by behaviour and expectation. Everything points to the fact that I should get back on that horse. The first person to show a little warmth, I throw my lasso around. After three weeks I notice that nice as he may be, I really don't need this. I feel like I have nothing to give, and he has miles to go of his own. Rather than let it drag out like I used to, I feel like I have enough confidence and experience now to end it maturely and in a dignified manner.
I have spent these months reflecting, forcing myself to confront my own self in that terrifying manner that made me jump from man to man in avoidance. I realise I have a lot of fire inside, and this attracts men. However, the age old adage rings true, that the wild horse men want in fantasy isn't the Victorian housewife they want in reality. Then the reality sets in and back to fantasy they go. That is me, through and through...I have let every man I've been with pour a bucket of cold water over my head, then sat crying as they run off to find something more exciting.
I'm not saying I'm wild, just strong-willed. I'm happiest reading on a park bench or meeting new people, taking a train or plane to anywhere and wearing what I like. I guess men love this independence, until they feel threatened that I might run off anywhere with anyone at any given moment. Then I start to get the arguments, the accusations of infidelity, and bend back I go.
For a man, I have cut my hair, changed my clothes, sat through rugby games in the freezing cold, cancelled moments with family, stopped speaking to friends, stopped going to bars and turned into a dumpy boring subservient housewife. I have been a coward, an idiot, a non-entity who has lost his spirit and I am done.
So what now? I am the healthiest and fittest I have ever been. I feel the youngest, the prettiest I have ever felt. I feel confident, I feel fashionable and sexy and so incredibly happy I feel a light glow around me when I walk down the street. I have a great job, the best relationship I've ever had with my family, wonderful friends. I live in an amazing city that doesn't bore me, I visit art galleries and sit in coffee shops in my spare time. I've had the possibility of a few online dates and when the time has come I've felt so lovely wherever I am I've ended up cancelling them. I just don't feel like they are something I want to run around for.
Once in a while though, maybe twice a month or so, I'd love to sit and have dinner drinks or coffee with a hottie, to enjoy the company and not take it so seriously and get back to my life. I think that would be nice, and I guess I`ll have to get up off my park bench to do that.