Monday, 16 March 2015

Hello Neverland: At 30.

The thing about fireworks is they fade. I see people chase fireworks their whole life and I don't understand
them. Their life to do with as they please, but still, it is something that does not appeal. In much the same way, I don't understand mortgages, owning a flashy car or turning everything into a selfie. At some point or another in my life I have deceived myself into thinking I wanted those things and more, and all I have ended up is exhausted, unhappy and overloaded.

I woke up today and I was thirty. My life was exactly the way I wanted it, and that was perfection enough for me. Laying in bed next to the love of my life, in our warm and clean apartment with plenty of coffee. I have my phone, my tablet, and a book next to me. Warm wishes poured in from friends and family. I went for a run around the park and I met my parents for some lunch. The day before, I cooked lunch for everyone and I was gifted some lovely presents.

I think what I'm trying to say is that my life is peaceful, my life is in a good place. I did not meet thirty looking at the past with resentment or looking at the future with fear. Life continues at the same pace because life is great for me right now. I have a good job, I live in one of the most beautiful cities in the world, I have the love of my best friend who happens to be a beautiful man. I have friends, family, clothes, a home, food, and the freedom to do what I please. I am studying towards a degree. I enjoy exercising. I have a few ideas in my head for stories. Two online magazines have asked me to write for them.

I feel like since the moment I was twenty-five my life has been a beautiful upward motion. I do not receive my dreams on a daily basis, every day is an opportunity to grow. I look at someone like Kim Kardashian and only see chaos, and good for her with the life that she has chosen, but this desire to be desired, this quest for glory and fame and the need to be constantly ready to have your photo taken, for everything to be a "moment" validated by a bounty of online strangers exhausts me at its very thought.

It's not that this life thing is entirely figured out in my mind, but I am not stagnant, and at the same time I am not fighting the tide trying to control the uncontrollable. I'm not too sure of what I know, but I seem to be more sure of what I don't know, and it isn't so much about what I want, but knowing what I don't need.

The other day my boyfriend said I had too many books. My first instinct was to say "how dare he!". I loved those books, I had made a decision to only purchase nice books. Yet what are books if not knowledge, and knowledge does not just sit pretty on the shelf. How many of these books had I read? How many was I going to realistically read? I had access to the library, to digital books and comics, and if I absolutely couldn't find it for free there was always Amazon cheap books. Yet, why more books when I had about twelve books I hadn't even read yet? Some of these books were over a decade old, and I hadn't even picked them up. We made a pile, we made another pile, we made an even more stringent pile. I held on to some, then I put them back on the pile. The rule was anything I hadn't picked up in the past year was to go, and anything I wasn't going to read in the next year was to go also. I sold some, gave others to charity. I felt liberated, like I had extra space in my brain for productive matters. Now I am approaching everything in my life the same way. At least trying to.

These are the choices I have made in my life, not perfect and upholded by a single golden strand, but solid and with foundations that should withhold the flood. Here's to thirty more years, then thirty more, at least.

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